The Door of Perception

With the recently concluded mid sem exams fresh in my mind, let me describe to you some of the physiological and psychological changes I used to undergo during examinations in the younger days of my life.

The most important change was in how I looked at certain things of life just before an examination. These abnormal perceptions had reached a peak during my high school days. On the morning of the biology examination, what should have been just a normal plate of half boiled eggs started looking like yellow yolk (which should have been food for the poor young embryo) suspended in egg white albumen by the bands of tissue that are called chalazae. Overcome by guilt I turn away from the eggs and turn to milk only to find that milk is no longer just “milk” but it has turned into an emulsion of butterfat globules within a water based fluid.

On usual mornings, I just open the door and walk out. But on the day of the physics exam, I rotate the front door about its hinges, holding the door handle, which is positioned far away from the hinges so as to create maximum torque with the minimum applied force. The words of my physics prof ring in my ears, “The carpenter knows where to fix the handle. But he does not know why. You should know where to fix the handle and why.” And I just wonder to myself, if I had not learnt physics, and had been a carpenter, would I have tried to fix the door handle in the middle of the door and see what happens?

Doors aside, on normal mornings, I just breathe in polluted air. But on the mornings of chemistry exams, I breathe in suspended particulate matter. The rickshaw that overtakes us does not just emit black smoke. It emits oxides of sulphur, nitrogen and carbon monoxide. Normally I wouldn’t even notice the fact that I am breathing the same exhaust. But today since I have a chemistry exam, I suffer from symptoms like headache, dizziness, confusion, convulsions, and perhaps bit of tachycardia, myocardial ischemia, atrial fibrillation, pulmonary edema and muscle neurosis. I say “perhaps” because right now I am not sure what each of them means and I am unable to match the symptom name with my exact feelings. Damn, I should not have crammed this at the last minute. My good friend sitting beside me says its just exam fever. But I know better. I read the relevant chapters yesterday night. I know its carbon monoxide poisoning. I tell him that my diagnosis can be confirmed by measuring my blood carboxyheamoglobin. But he just ignores me and mentions some words about sleep deprivation induced insanity. That is when I realised that he had not read the chapter on carbon monoxide. God bless the relatively harmless carbon based biped friend of mine.

We reach the exam hall pretty quickly. I was hoping that this journey last a little longer. I was just beginning to recollect some new symptoms like hyperglycemia and respiratory arrest. I think that the fact that we reached the exam hall faster than I expected has something to do with Einstein’s theory of relativity. Or does Einstein’s theory of relativity deal with the fact that the last one hour of the exam paper passes faster than the first one hour of the paper?

Looking back at those days I realise how perceptions changed as I grew older. The subjects moved further and further away from science and closer and closer to technology. But that same feeling is not created by the examinations these days. Even after a degree in electronics and communication, I still see the keyboard I am using to type these words as just a keyboard. I don’t feel the electrons moving to transmit information at every keystroke of mine. I don’t think its because these so called “perceptions” of mine can only be created by science and not by technology. I think it has to do with the fact that somewhere along the way, I started taking “normal”, “working” things for granted. I just wanted things to work and stopped wondering why it works the way it does. I stopped looking at the door and asking why is the door handle fixed far away from the hinges. What if I fix it in the middle? Earlier I would have said something about torque and moment arm. Now perhaps I would just say, it works better when it is put away from the hinges. Everybody puts it away from the hinges. Who would buy a door that has a handle fixed in the middle. Why should I waste my time and money and see what happens when its put in the middle. I don’t know what caused this change in my thinking. But I am sure I will never dare to say that it was the shift from science to technology that caused this change in me.

Where is my Insomnia?

At 3:30 am on a warm March night, sitting in my new chair, in front of my old table, staring at a 14 inch LCD screen, with a 10 watt zero bulb being the only other source of illumination in the room, I am typing away whatever comes to mind and I dare ask myself a question… Where is my Insomnia?


With three deadlines lined up for the next 12 hours, the last thing on my mind should be Sleep. But Sleep is the only thing that comes to my mind at this unearthly hour when not a creature should be stirring.


I recollect with passion the very intimate relationship I have shared with Sleep over the years. I have spent countless nights with Sleep under the starlit sky sharing my most intimate dreams with her. Having shared my bed with Sleep for so many years, I cannot help feel guilty when I lust for Insomnia. Knowing very well that Insomnia and Sleep never got along very well with each other. I have let Sleep seduce me into my bed so many times. Yet I am ungrateful enough to flirt with Insomnia tonight.


Sleep for me has been the ultimate “no side effects” anaesthetic cum pain killer. Be it any form of physical or emotional pain. Even for escape from endless unwanted thoughts. Sleep provides the ultimate exit. Sleep is the gateway to a dream world where I can create my own pseudo reality. The percentage of times I have had nightmares is so small that I consider nightmares as a small price to pay for the euphoria that is Sleep.


But it is Insomnia that I need right now. Three deadlines lined up and in line to bury me. I have no choice but to hook up with Insomnia. Insomnia used to be so easy to hook up with in those days. Insomnia used to come running into my arms so easily at the slightest mention of things like movie marathon, pillow fight or even midnight hot on fashion TV. Where is my insomnia now when I need her the most?


There are numerous ways to artificially bring Insomnia close to you. Insomnia stalkers have tried coffee, tea, cigarettes and what not to make Insomnia yield to their will. And yes Insomnia did yield to them. But she has her own pepper spray way of getting even with those who tried to stalk her in the wrong ways. I used to think that it was all a rumour. But my suspicions were confirmed when my atheist friend (who tried to stalk Insomnia with caffeine) started wearing T shirts with captions like “Decaffeinated Coffee is the Devil’s Blend”. He had to be put on caffeine rehab after he started sneezing with his eyes open. He seems to be responding well to rehab but they say he hasn’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.


Having made up my mind to use only the most honourable methods to stalk and hunt Insomnia, I start thinking whether any such honourable methods exist. When I look at the watch, I realise the perfect way to get Insomnia. When I started writing this, I had 12 hours and 4 deadlines. Now I have 10 hours and 4 deadlines. The realisation dawns on me that the best way to get insomnia is last minute panic. But I never leave things to the last minute. I immediately start panicking. The birds start chirping. As dawn breaks, I see that insomnia is irresistibly attracted to me as I get the feeling that my grades are going test the laws of gravity. Dawn breaks. As the rays of the sun seep over the horizon, I feel insomnia seeping through me. Insomnia is here. I embrace Insomnia with open eyelids and bid a final goodbye to Sleep.

Full Circle

It felt like yesterday, till yesterday,
Today, it feels like a year away.

Its feeling like a full circle since, that day, today,
Like the same path inviting me, again astray.

Words Left Unsaid

There are words left unsaid,
There are whispers left unheard,
I never understood how and why,
I think its because there are poems left unsung.

There are depths left unfathomed,
There are tears left uncried,
Its not because there are shades left unsketched,
Its because there are questions left unanswered.

There may be pages left unturned,
There may be pictures left unseen,
Its not because there are conversations left unheld,
Its because there are meanings left misunderstood.

Strange Encounters of the R kind

There are times when you wonder what you did to deserve what you went through. If you survive, you begin to look at life from a new perspective and begin to be more thankful for the good things in life that you have been blessed with. Not everything has a rational explanation, is a realization that came to me that night. There will come a time when you will realize that there are some things that cannot be explained. My time had come that night.

Most anomalous phenomena that confront scientific logic tend to have only local impact within their particular disciplinary contexts, and to arise and be resolved relatively quickly compared to the overall evolutionary paces of those fields. In rarer instances, such as the anomalous celestial observations that contradicted the prevailing geocentric models, or the array of atomic-scale physical anomalies that precipitated the quantum revolution, their implications can extend much more broadly, and efforts toward their resolution can become more widespread, protracted, and intense. The one anomalous human experience that has dwarfed all others in my mind is what I saw that night. Throughout my recorded history in my diary, anecdotal instances of inexplicable consciousness-related anomalies have regularly been reported and variously catalogued as "miracles", "magic", "intuition", "alchemical transmutations", "psychic phenomena", or "gremlins", along with countless other categories of elusive experiences, but little coherence has ever been established among them. Yet, these incomprehensible events have had immense influence on my thinking, stimulating the development of an acceptance that not everything has a straight forward explanation.

It all started as a harmless bus journey. But little did I know that I would regret not booking those train tickets early enough for the rest of my epic journey. The bus conductor puts in a harmless looking CD into the player. The tube lights up. The speakers come to acoustic life. And my worst fear stares at me in the face. With seemingly 1000 watts of cheap amplified acoustics as his army, he threatens to do to me what even the worst of twists, turns and potholes of Indian highways wouldn’t dream of doing. With no escape route, me and my trusty imagination embark upon a journey that threatens to kill my imagination itself.

The movie starts of as a normal regional movie with bad screenplay until the one person who can nullify bad screenplay with his sheer screen presence comes on the screen. Let us name him Rascules - Lord of the night(mares) (names have been changed for the sake of my safety). I wouldn’t mind calling him Hercules reincarnate straight away, but that would be undermining Rascules’ masculinity.

Wherever there is trouble befalling any member of the female species, Lord Rascules happens to be in the neighbourhood. Being the symbol of masculinity that he is, I wonder how there was enough masculinity in the universe to create us lesser males after the birth of Rascules.

My subconscious screams out “Eyes Left!”. I turn my eyes to the left and salute the passing presidential scenery with all my yawning glory by lowering my lower jaw with due disrespect. Literally a jaw dropping movie. God bless the inventor of the window. As the scenery, whizzes past, a strange analogy comes to my mind. Ever thought that the window of a speeding bus is like our memory? The scenes are memories. There are things that are close to the window, whiz past in a fraction of a second. Like things that just seem to graze the surface of your mind, never penetrating deep enough. There are things that are further away from the window. Like things that are deeply embedded in the window of the mind and they seem to travel along with you. Sort of hitchhiking their way along with you on the journey. The things further back are not always clear but they stay with us a long time. We don’t even seem to remember when they entered the windows of our thought. But they reside somewhere deep inside.

I turn to my right and my fellow passenger looks at me with a face that I interpret as “are you dyslexic to look out of the window when we are getting a lesson in humility by Lord Rascules in full splendour. Its amazing what a movie can do to a disease like dyslexia. Anybody not paying complete attention seems to be a suspect.

I could have sworn I could have made it out of that movie “alive”, had it not been for the subtitles. Without the subtitles, I had no reason to try to make sense out of the story. I need not have put my mind in danger. I could have just looked at the bone crunching, swearing, and tears dropping from glycerinated eyes adorned by perpetually fluttering eye lids.

Rascules seems to be better than my martial arts instructor. Not that my martial arts instructor can’t throw a flip kick. Its just that he always used to get his hair messed up after all that. But by god, Lord Rascules manages to maintain every strand of his hair intact. Flawless victory is an understatement. Rascules is no mere mortal. It would be blasphemous of me to think that its because of hair gel. For all I know, I think hair gel itself is extracted from Lord Rascules’ hair. Pleased by my relatively rational explanation, I turn to my left reasserting to myself, my newly acquired lifetime ambition, that when I grow up I will make sure that every citizen of this country, irrespective of his caste, colour, creed, sex, economic status and political affiliation, will get the opportunity to learn Newton’s laws. God bless Newton’s soul.

I always had the misconception that quantum mechanics comes into play only at atomic scales. But that night I witnessed new macroscopic physical phenomenon governed by a quantum law like quantum magnetic deflagaration. Niels Bohr, one of the fathers of quantum mechanics, is quoted as saying "No phenomenon is a phenomenon until it is an observed phenomenon." I reassert myself. It was quantum phenomena that I witnessed that night. I guess it must be something like, relativity of time between our world and Brahma Lok where our clock and Lord Brahma’s clock have different time scales. Maybe our dimensions of length, breadth and height and and Rascules’ dimensions are measured on different scales. That enables Rascules to demonstrate quantum phenomena like tunnelling effect through brick walls on what we consider as the macro scale.

Very few people have the stamina to maintain their consciousness after witnessing such supernatural phenomena. I am definitely not one of them. The quantum phenomena were too much for me as I turned to my left, and looked at the sky. I saw Orion the hunter facing Taurus the bull. My mind grew weary of the quantum world journey. My eyelids felt heavy. And thus I passed out into the dream world in search of more realistic realms.