Public Transport for the Claustrophobic: A Spaced-Out Self Help Guide

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Claustrophobia is an anxiety disorder in which the sufferer has an irrational fear of having no escape or being closed-in. This book starts by assuring you that this can be a very rational fear when it comes to public transport in India. But you just have to follow the smart guidelines in this book to ensure a smooth and hassle free journey to your destination even in rush hours.

 It will all become clear to you when I explain the fundamental science that lies behind smart public travel. These insights are usually to be gained right in school. The favourite way for high school teachers to explain atomic arrangement in crystalline solids was by giving the example of how the students are seated in regular rows and columns in the classroom. But, like a wise man once said, real education beings after school, or in this case, after school hours.

 Notice how the regular crystalline arrangement breaks up and forms an amorphous mass with high viscosity and diffuses out of the classroom in a seemingly random fashion. A bunch of atoms have random motion. But, the application of electric of magnetic fields can channel their motion in a specific direction. Similarly, a bunch of people can also be manipulated to behave in a semi or pseudo random fashion by the careful application of fields. Note that the fields may be any one or a combination of coercive, enticing, physical, emotional, rational or religious. It ultimately boils down to a branch of study called applied mass psychology.

The physics of applied mass psychology uses levers. Levers can reduce the effort required to move an object. And, you will be resting your level of mass psychology on the fulcrum of repulsion.

All you need to do is to carry your phone with you. Pretend to be talking on the phone. Discuss a few symptoms that you have been experiencing for the past few days. Include stuff like difficulty in breathing, sneezing, wheezing, coughing, whatever catches your fancy. Add some MRI, X-ray and CT scans. You will begin to notice people giving you glances of sympathy. When you have attracted sufficient attention, declare in a confident tone that it is non-contagious. Pause for around 10 seconds. Then say softly “Oh is it? I did not know that”. Then slowly start glancing around at the people gathered near you. You can mirror their sympathetic expression for added effect.

The above strategy may not work in extra crowded trains where reaching your own pocket may be difficult. After a reader wrote back about how in an attempt to reach his phone, he put his hands into a fellow passenger’s pocket, a revised edition of this book was released which includes an additional strategy that can be used in crowded trains.

Pretend to be chewing tobacco. Don’t worry if you are tobacco intolerant. Just puff your cheeks slightly and pretend to be chewing. Red marks might be added around the lips for stubborn crowds. When you being to feel claustrophobic and want some reprieve, stop chewing and slowly start looking around you, eyes slightly angled downwards towards the floor. Works best in the presence of women and well-dressed office going crowd.

Inspite of all measures, stubborn crowds can be hard to handle. But, don’t be confrontational. Claustrophobia gets worse as the distance between their fist and your face reduces. Avoid physical contact. Use dialogue and reason. Try skipping brushing your teeth for one day if your words are not enough.

In case of extreme emergencies, where none of the above works, remember that there is always one seat that you will never be added to share: the toilet seat. Make your way there when things get out of hand.

Wish you happy commuting!
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Post Script

The above piece was written as part of a session in Write Club hosted by Kalansh. The exercise required the piece to be written in second person. The prompt was a visual prompt in the form of the photograph given below. (Photo credits: Trisha Salvi)

Road Rage

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I hate traffic like everyone else. But it is not because I own a fancy car. I hate traffic because when it lines up in front of a traffic signal, it gets in the way of my work. It is my job to sweep the streets.

The morning started like any other normal day with the songs of the birds being drowned by the blaring of the horns. The sleek sports bike caught my attention. Not the bike but the rider, especially when I heard some angry yet ingenious vocabulary from the rider. It seemed to be directed at no one in particular. But it did manage to grab my attention. That is the thing about colourful vocabulary. It intrinsically has higher decibel values than normal conversation. Colourful words always grab attention in the black and white noises of everyday life.

The traffic moved in spurts. Starting and stopping every half a minute. The stream of expletives from the rider also seemed to synchronise with the green and red switching of the traffic signal. I was a nobody, but even I was getting uncomfortable. You can imagine the state of the family that was seated in the car next the bike. They even had a grandmother in there to add to the family’s discomfort.

 I mean, we all hate the traffic but why was he using his vocal chords instead of just honking like the others? It was only when the words reached their Virat limits that I saw the door of the car in front of the bike swing open. A 6’6” tall and broad frame stepped out and took long strides towards the vocal rider behind him. No, not another road brawl!

The broad frame spoke angrily but I don’t think he used any swear words. If he had used, I would have heard them instead of just angry growls. The rider seemed to be surprised by the sudden reaction from a fellow commuter. Well, what did he expect that he could speak his mind and not get beaten up? Like I said, he should have kept his mouth shut and just honked like the rest of them.

The rider got off the bike. He stood almost a foot lower than the assaulter. Self-preservation always trumps anger. I think that is what was happening here. The bike rider raised his hands in a pacifying gesture towards the incoming tall frame. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Apologies always sound at several decibels below normal conversation. All I could hear next was the crunch of knuckles on cheekbone. The small man seemed to be lifted off his feet for the fraction of the second that it took for him to swerve and hit the pavement with a dull thud.

I noticed three tiny objects fly and they landed near my broom as I watched with my mouth wide open. One of the objects was a premolar, one incisor and one miniature wireless hands-free headphone. I could still hear faint conversation on the other side when I picked up the wireless headphone.

I did not know which of the three objects was more precious to the owner. I was not sure which of the three could be reused by the owner. So I picked up all three and proceeded to hand it over to the small man who was now trying to get back on his feet.
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Post Script

The above piece was written during a session at Write Club on Action Writing