Lost and (Still) Looking

Its better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all is the cliched advice I get from people who hear about my lost love.

Well I for one, do not believe in it. I am not one of those who knows how to let go and move on. I am not one of those who is a dignified loser. I am a sore loser. I throw tantrums and spend sleep less night over lost love. I would go as far as file an FIR over it. Apparently they don't file FIRs for such "minor" losses.

Its easy for someone to say things like its destiny, it was not meant to be and all things happen for good. Its one thing to say such words and an altogether different thing to sail through an emotionally turbulent time. It had come right out of the blue. I had absolutely no inkling of what was to come.One second she was with me, and the next she was not there.

She had become a part of my life. She had become a part of my being. I carried her around near my heart wherever I went. She was the last person I checked on before going to sleep. Her soft voice was what woke me up when I had to get up early. She was my last thought before sleeping, she was my first thought on waking up. I thought we had something special. Everyday was special when I was with her. New Year's day, Valentines day, Diwali, my birthday, even obscure days like humbug day (21st dec)! I knew I would receive those calls as long as she was with me.

It had become an addiction. I was warned beforehand. But I had willingly fallen into the trap. Knowing very well the splat with which I would hit ground reality when the free fall ended. But I had jumped off arms spread out without a worry in the world.

The free fall did come to an end. I did fall with a splat and yes Dear God, the parachute was a knapsack.

I could not speak to anybody for days. Not that I did not want to communicate. It was like I had lost my identity.

After few days of mourning and zero communication, my friend told me its time to move on. He was of the opinion that the best way to get over an old flame is to get a new flame. I protested. I might get a new one. But its whats inside that matters. I will not get someone who is the same. Even if I get someone who looks the same, its not the same person. Its not the outside that I am worried about, its the inside that matters to me. I was assured that when I look at the new ones on offer, my views of inside and outside would be turned inside out.

And yes he was right, they were gorgeous, all lined up like on display. I did not think I would love again till I saw her among the rest. It was like she stood out and called out to me. When I laid my eyes on her for the first time, I knew she was the one I was looking for. She had all that I needed, wanted and had dreamt of. Sleek, sophisticated with classic looks. I don't know whether I was made for her, but she definitely was made for me.

Remind me to introduce you to her sometime. Her name is Nokia 7210 but I fondly call her my Nikku.

The Two Windows

At one point or the other, I have tried my hand at English prose, Hindi prose and English poetry (a couple of very questionable attempts). What is the one thing that I have never tried?

Hindi poetry!

Here is my first attempt at Hindi poetry (again a very questionable attempt).

Can’t claim that the concept is original. Neither do I claim that it is good. All that I claim is, I was looking out the window, the original song was stuck in my head, playing itself over and over again and I thought of how I can make it more interesting/funny and yet leave space for some romance.

Mere saamne wali khidki mein ek ullu ka pattha rehta hai,

Afsos yeh hai ki woh hum se milta julta rehta hai

Mere saamne waali khidki mein ek chand ka tukda rehta hai,

Afsos yeh hai ki woh har din ullu ke patthe se milti hai

Epic Lectures

Once, my prof told me that epics like the Ramayan and the Mahabharat are special because inspite of knowing the entire story, we watch them again and again. Each time we watch them, we discover a new meaning in the same story. And yet, there is always something that we will never understand. He feels that only the wisest can understand the true meaning behind the epics. Ironically, I get the same feelings when I watch his lecture videos.

A "Little" Bit of Procrastination

Finally, I manage to find the time to update my blog. Ok, I don’t want to lie in my blog. The truth is, I have run out of excuses to postpone the update on my blog. And, what better way to celebrate my running out of excuses, than by making a bit of fun of myself and my excuses. Here goes…

Procrastination as an art form has always fascinated me. I admit it, I am a procrastinator. But, I also have a very sensitive conscience. Therefore I have to approach this procrastination with utmost caution so that I don’t hurt my conscience a great deal.

The most common excuse I tend to use for procrastination is

“I don’t have time”

My conscience leaps in to push me into guilty mode. “This is clearly a lame excuse. Its been months since my last post. Do you mean to say that you could not spare a few hours in the past few months to update your blog? You have had time to watch Friends episodes over and over again, play the stupid video games over and over again, yet you could not update your blog over the past few months? How lame can an excuse get?”
“Oh you have no idea how lame the excuses can get”, I tell my conscience.

This “I don’t have time” excuse has been used by me so often. But there are rare occasions when this does not work. A classic case is when certain academic peers cum Pretty Young Things (PYTs) ask me for academic favours (ahem). However, this excuse works very well when uninteresting half bald, male academic peers ask me for academic favours (ahem ahem).

Another excuse, widely used by me to stifle my conscience into submission is

“I have this more important thing to do”

This might seem like a productive excuse, since I seem to be replacing my current task with another more important task. But, it is not so simple. It would have been a productive excuse if the task leaps stopped there. Unfortunately it does not. The next task leap comes in the form of a different reason. “This task is taking too much time. I have this equally important task that can be completed in lesser time”. The leaps of logic do not end there. The next leap comes in the form of, “I can do this task better if I do this other prerequisite task”. The next leap can just as well be, “I can do this task better if I just refresh myself a bit with this more enjoyable thing”. Before you know it, one leap leads to another and finally I end up a mile away from the actual task at hand.

There is a beautiful real life example of this. I had just started working on a term paper (or something to that effect), and I started by opening these IEEE research papers. There are these damn sponsored links on the side of some of these technical web pages. They start with harmless looking academic links to various universities. It then moves on to a combination of technical and commercial pages. One link leads to another and before I know it, there are a dozen tabs open in my firefox browser. On one side is the IEEE Xplore tab with a research paper. On the other side is a tab with sexually explicit content! (yes I am very reluctant to include that 4 letter word in my blog).

Before I wind up this excuse bashing session of mine, let’s take a look at one more excuse.

“Maybe I will do it a little later”

This is one of the most dangerous excuses. Its danger lies in its apparent harmless appeal to postpone the task at hand for a few moments. The key ingredient in this recipe for disaster is the word “little”. Ambiguity is what sounds the death knell for that strong will against procrastination. How much is “little”? It amazing how a little thing can grow big. To elaborate and illustrate,

It starts with a sip,
ends with a fall and a slip.

It starts with a whiff,
and before you know it, the smoke is going puff puff puff.

It starts with a kiss,
and soon, she is called mrs instead of miss.

It starts off well (like this blog post),
but before long,
I have no idea what went wrong.

Whew… I bet the souls of a hundred poets rejoiced when I ended the above poem.

Getting back to the point I was making, we never know, when this “little later” comes. The ambiguity, the lack of a deadline, the lack of proper specifications let people like me take undue advantage of the word “little”.

There is an urgent need for me to overcome this chronic procrastination. The habit of procrastination should be nipped in the bud. A firm line has to be drawn. An iron will has to be developed that should enable me to put my foot down and say a firm NO when procrastination beckons seductively. I can and I will.
But, maybe I will do it a “little” later…….

Proof by Contradiction

As part of my internship at Synopsys Bangalore, I realized that one thing freshers are gauged by, is the institute they come from. Sometimes people judge the institute by looking at the candidate and at other times they judge the candidate by looking at the institute.

Lets quickly move to the point I want to make here. I always used to think - What kind of impression do I create about the kind of education I received at IIIT Hyderabad? After some giving some free reign to my imagination, I came up with 5 characteristics of mine that should PROVE beyond any doubt that I am truly an MTech in VLSI and Embedded Systems from IIIT Hyderabad



1. I can count the number of professors in our department using the fingers of one hand only. Even after counting that, I am left with enough fingers on that hand to count the number of FPGA boards in our institute.



2. I think of the available tools first and then make up a project that can be implemented on the tool rather than the conventional way of choosing a project topic first followed by looking for a tool to implement the project on.



3. The actual amount of time (in weeks) spent working on a project is equal to the number of months the project is supposed to have lasted divided by two. Eg. A typical semester project last 4 months but actual work on it is done in the 2 weeks before the deadline.



4. I can prepare a project report for any project of mine one night before the day of project report submission. I derive this confidence from my highly developed skills in googling, copying and pasting.



5. I know enough Computer Science related stuff to put it in my resume and write about it in written tests, but not enough to speak about it in the interview. In the end I feel like I am stuck in a Bermuda Triangle where the 3 vertices are VLSI, Computer Science and Embedded Systems. The difference between the real Bermuda Triangle and this one is that in the real Bermuda Triangle, ships and airplanes tend to disappear, whereas in my Bermuda Triangle, Embedded Systems tends to disappear.

Top 5 Excuses (???) for being single on Valentine’s Day

One of the most difficult questions that a guy may have to answer (apart from “What is your salary?”) during his life time is “Why are you single on Valentine’s Day?” Thanks to my vast experience with being single and dealing with such questions, I have amassed a good number of excuses that can be used in various situations, depending on the person who asks you this question and the kind of effect you want to produce on the interviewer. Here are my best 5 excuses along with a few words on the kind of impressions they create and how to use them most effectively.

1. “I don’t want to lose my freedom at this early stage in my life.”

Cliché but still one of the best. This is an extremely versatile excuse. Makes you sound younger than you actually are. Depending on the effect you want to create you can say it with a detached tone and make an attempt at sounding mature or you can say it with a tongue in cheek tone and make an appeal to irony.

2. “I am one of those who wants to preserve Indian culture. I think Valentine’s Day is more of western culture. Indian culture is Kamasutra. I have not found a girl who is willing to try out Kamasutra positions with me till now.”

Slightly vulgar excuse but said in the proper tone, it can make you look traditional, yet sexually attractive.

3. “In this time of recession, this is one of the cost cutting measures I am adopting.”

This excuse is inspired by the people who tend to use the words ‘cost cutting’ whenever someone asks them to loosen their purse strings. Ideally to be used when the interviewer is your superior who is refusing to give you a raise.

4. “I heard that most commercial lipsticks contain synthetic dyes derived from coal tar. I would not like to expose my lips to carcinogens just for the pleasure of one kiss. And what fun is a Valentine’s Day date without a customary smooch?”

Makes you sound like a well informed man, possessing scientific temper. Also projects you as a man capable of resisting temptation and making sacrifices for the greater good.

5. “Most of the women I happen to meet are neither smart enough to be my wife, nor stupid enough to be my girlfriend. Hence we end up being ‘just friends’.”

Excellent excuse when the interviewer is an ex.

The Door of Perception

With the recently concluded mid sem exams fresh in my mind, let me describe to you some of the physiological and psychological changes I used to undergo during examinations in the younger days of my life.

The most important change was in how I looked at certain things of life just before an examination. These abnormal perceptions had reached a peak during my high school days. On the morning of the biology examination, what should have been just a normal plate of half boiled eggs started looking like yellow yolk (which should have been food for the poor young embryo) suspended in egg white albumen by the bands of tissue that are called chalazae. Overcome by guilt I turn away from the eggs and turn to milk only to find that milk is no longer just “milk” but it has turned into an emulsion of butterfat globules within a water based fluid.

On usual mornings, I just open the door and walk out. But on the day of the physics exam, I rotate the front door about its hinges, holding the door handle, which is positioned far away from the hinges so as to create maximum torque with the minimum applied force. The words of my physics prof ring in my ears, “The carpenter knows where to fix the handle. But he does not know why. You should know where to fix the handle and why.” And I just wonder to myself, if I had not learnt physics, and had been a carpenter, would I have tried to fix the door handle in the middle of the door and see what happens?

Doors aside, on normal mornings, I just breathe in polluted air. But on the mornings of chemistry exams, I breathe in suspended particulate matter. The rickshaw that overtakes us does not just emit black smoke. It emits oxides of sulphur, nitrogen and carbon monoxide. Normally I wouldn’t even notice the fact that I am breathing the same exhaust. But today since I have a chemistry exam, I suffer from symptoms like headache, dizziness, confusion, convulsions, and perhaps bit of tachycardia, myocardial ischemia, atrial fibrillation, pulmonary edema and muscle neurosis. I say “perhaps” because right now I am not sure what each of them means and I am unable to match the symptom name with my exact feelings. Damn, I should not have crammed this at the last minute. My good friend sitting beside me says its just exam fever. But I know better. I read the relevant chapters yesterday night. I know its carbon monoxide poisoning. I tell him that my diagnosis can be confirmed by measuring my blood carboxyheamoglobin. But he just ignores me and mentions some words about sleep deprivation induced insanity. That is when I realised that he had not read the chapter on carbon monoxide. God bless the relatively harmless carbon based biped friend of mine.

We reach the exam hall pretty quickly. I was hoping that this journey last a little longer. I was just beginning to recollect some new symptoms like hyperglycemia and respiratory arrest. I think that the fact that we reached the exam hall faster than I expected has something to do with Einstein’s theory of relativity. Or does Einstein’s theory of relativity deal with the fact that the last one hour of the exam paper passes faster than the first one hour of the paper?

Looking back at those days I realise how perceptions changed as I grew older. The subjects moved further and further away from science and closer and closer to technology. But that same feeling is not created by the examinations these days. Even after a degree in electronics and communication, I still see the keyboard I am using to type these words as just a keyboard. I don’t feel the electrons moving to transmit information at every keystroke of mine. I don’t think its because these so called “perceptions” of mine can only be created by science and not by technology. I think it has to do with the fact that somewhere along the way, I started taking “normal”, “working” things for granted. I just wanted things to work and stopped wondering why it works the way it does. I stopped looking at the door and asking why is the door handle fixed far away from the hinges. What if I fix it in the middle? Earlier I would have said something about torque and moment arm. Now perhaps I would just say, it works better when it is put away from the hinges. Everybody puts it away from the hinges. Who would buy a door that has a handle fixed in the middle. Why should I waste my time and money and see what happens when its put in the middle. I don’t know what caused this change in my thinking. But I am sure I will never dare to say that it was the shift from science to technology that caused this change in me.