Eyebrow Raiser

Eyes are the windows to the soul but eyebrows are the archways to the prefrontal cortex
~Shakespeare (after a debate with ACP Pradyuman)

Are you here to sue me?

A reference a day keeps the lawyer away

Image source: istockphoto

Man refuses offer for out of court settlement. Vows to continue legal battle over moustache.

2^nd April 2016, Bangalore

Man refuses offer for out of court settlement. Vows to continue legal battle over moustache.

Mr Vishwaroopam Venkatachalalapati has refused an offer for out of court settlement in the ongoing 4 month long Venkatachalapati vs United Feminists Federation legal battle. 

In what appeared to be a last ditch attempt by the United Feminists Federation (UFF) to avoid a full blown out legal battle in a case that is fast showing signs of becoming political, the UFF offered to allow Mr Venkatachalapati to keep his soul patch provided he shaves off his beard and moustache.

Ms Reshmi Taangowali the prosecution attorney for UFF is said to have made a counter attack against Mr Venkatachalapati’s allegation. Venkatachalapathi made a statement in the media earlier that his moustache is the most attractive part of his physique that makes him irresistible to women and that his wife is demanding him to shave off his moustache more out of jealousy rather than genuine concerns of skin rash. Ms Reshmi made references to Amir Khan’s soul patch in Dil Chahta Hai and said that women still found him attractive and that there is no reason Mr Venkatachalapati should feel that trimming his moustache to a soul patch would reduce his popularity among women.

Mr Venkatachalapati is said to have flatly refused the offer to cut his moustache and has promised to continue the fight for the freedom of men to decide the length of their facial hair. Shouts of azadi from large crowds of bearded men seemed to speak volumes about the public support that is gathering around Mr Venkatachalapati. Court was looking to fix another date for the next hearing while reports last came in.

17^th April 2016, Bangalore

Moustache battle blows into full face to face stand-off

In what appeared to be a well thought out strategic masterstroke by Mr Venkatachalapati and his team of attorneys, they have made a counter offer to United Feminists Federation that men can be legally asked by his wife to shave off his moustache to a certain extent. The amendment to the proposed marital household facial hair act is that men be allowed to keep facial hair provided the length of the moustache hair plus the length of the husband’s hair on his head is less than or equal to the total length of the wives’ hair on her head. These points seemed to be well received by the jury especially in view of the sound gender equality and follicle freedom policy towards equal hair rights arguments that were put forward by the defendants.

United Feminists Federation is said to have countered by claiming that this is an attempt by the defendants to divert the attention of the court from the main legal battle over the narrow discord between a husband and wife over the husband’s moustache and turn it into a wider gender equality battle over the length of hair that each gender is allowed to keep. Allegations were made that Mr Venkatachalapati is doing this to gain political mileage and is planning to start a political party. UFF has asked for an extension on the next court hearing while reports last came in.

21^st April, 2016, Bangalore

Man launches political party over moustache battle. Sections of women also come out in support of party.

Mr Venkatachalapati has finally confirmed the rumours floating around and formally announced that he will be launching a political party that will fight for the rights of people who want to sport facial hair. With the formal announcement made, support began to flow in from various quarters and fringe groups. A rally was taken out by dozens of women in support of the pro-moustache party most of them patients in the nearby St John’s Hospital for Hormone Replacement Therapy. Although not everyone seemed to be happy with the announcement as Bangalore Barber’s Association announced that they would never support this radical neo-Nazi ideology.

UFF has alleged that Mr Venkatachalapati’s party has polarized the society along lines of facial hair and follicle health. However, Mr Venkatachalapati has argued that his party has managed to bring out barbers in support of feminists. “These two groups that never had much interaction before, two groups that don’t have any ideological similiarities are joining hands against us. What does it tell you? They are afraid of our growing popularity” said Mr Venkatachalam.

The defendants have asked for an extension before the next court hearing in what appears to be a calculated move in view of the upcoming assembly elections to milk out maximum political attention before the next court battle in what has become a long drawn out legal war between Mr Vekatachalam and United Feminists Federation.

28^th April 2016, Bangalore

Parliament throws out fractured verdict. United Feminists Federation offers new terms for out of court settlement.

With the electorate throwing up a fractured verdict with no party able to muster an absolute majority, there seems to be a rush to turn to diplomatic maneuvers instead of open political mudslinging. United Feminists Federation has announced that are ready to allow the legal act to make a provision where men need not be legally forced to shave their moustache provided that they meet certain other minimum requirements.

To validate their point, Mrs Rekha was called as a witness. Mrs Rekha described how her husband had shaved off his beard and jumped into bed but in his enthusiasm forgot to remove his spectacles and poked her in the eye while thrusting his lips towards hers.

UFF has now asked for a separate committee that will research and study the physical hazards that should be taken care of before and during intimate moments between a married couple. Courts have decided to adjourn hearing on this case till the committee of physical hazards in the bedroom has submitted its detailed reports.

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Post Script

The above piece was written as part of a session at Write Club on 16th April, 2016. The prompts consisted of a number of newspaper headlines. Looking down at the list of prompts, I could see my moustache as well as a headline that read "Dad vows to continue fight over moustache".
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A New Year's Holiday

Image Source: Shutterstock
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The Haj is a journey that many choose to undertake at a specific time of the year. There is also the Kailash Manasarovar Yatra. I am mentioning both just to remain secular. There are subsidies provided by the government for these mass tourism packages. A significant number of people (not all!) are driven to visit these places by a deeply entrenched belief that there will be a magical transformation in their fortunes after the first visit.

There is another place that people visit every year in the hope of magical transformations after the first visit. It is called the gym. But the government does not provide subsidies for these yearly visits. With no subsidies in place and people with deep pockets ready to pay for the fulfilment of their equally deeply entrenched beliefs in magical transformations, there is great business potential in this domain.

So, I close my travel agent shop every year in the month of January and turn it into a gym. It is not much of a hassle if you plan it properly. Every time someone goes on a tourism package to Goa, I request them to send me their holiday snaps. The beach photos of the reasonably fit people go up on my wall. So you see, I don’t really have to change the interiors during the January gym season.

Moving the furniture and gym equipment every year is also easier than you think. End of every year, in the Christmas week, I put on a false beard and a dhoti (real, not false) and conduct a one week workshop titled “Power Yoga Using Furniture Props”.

By the end of the week, all the stuff is in place for the grand opening of the gym in New Year. I don’t get to sit back and relax and take things easy anywhere else except when I am in my gym in January. There is something innately satisfying about just sitting back and watching people sweat and toil and struggle. It is like having my own private sports cum entertainment arena.

Nothing brings me into the yearly holiday spirit like a room pregnant with the air of exhausted breaths, well worn out deodorants and freshly prepared protein shakes. Oh that rhythmic clang of metal against metal, powered by tired human muscle. Tired human muscle that is driven by the extra dose of will power that is distributed every New Year. It is music to my ears.

As the month draws to a close, the crowd thins down. The nerd crowd that visits every year from their library hangout across the street slowly starts hanging out at the library more often. The regular gym goers who decided to visit the library as a New Year’s resolution start coming back to the gym.

The most common complaint of the New Year gym goers is that they find the grunts, snorts, snarls and in general, all gym noises, intimidating. The most common complaint of the regular gymmers who visit the library is that they find the silence too intimidating. One of them got thrown out when he shouted “Eureka” after finishing a Chetan Bhagat novel.

Anyways, as the will powers return to their pre New Year levels and the year draws to a close, I have to go and prepare for the “Power Yoga using Furniture Props” session again. These tourists are going to leave me soon and new ones will be visiting me in February.
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Post Script

The above piece was written as part of a Write Club session held on 9th January, 2016 hosted by Deepshikha. The theme was to describe a place that you visited like a tourist. Needless to say, I did not manage to stick to the theme in my piece. 

Public Transport for the Claustrophobic: A Spaced-Out Self Help Guide

Image Source: http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-144411286/stock-photo-crowded-train.html ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Claustrophobia is an anxiety disorder in which the sufferer has an irrational fear of having no escape or being closed-in. This book starts by assuring you that this can be a very rational fear when it comes to public transport in India. But you just have to follow the smart guidelines in this book to ensure a smooth and hassle free journey to your destination even in rush hours.

 It will all become clear to you when I explain the fundamental science that lies behind smart public travel. These insights are usually to be gained right in school. The favourite way for high school teachers to explain atomic arrangement in crystalline solids was by giving the example of how the students are seated in regular rows and columns in the classroom. But, like a wise man once said, real education beings after school, or in this case, after school hours.

 Notice how the regular crystalline arrangement breaks up and forms an amorphous mass with high viscosity and diffuses out of the classroom in a seemingly random fashion. A bunch of atoms have random motion. But, the application of electric of magnetic fields can channel their motion in a specific direction. Similarly, a bunch of people can also be manipulated to behave in a semi or pseudo random fashion by the careful application of fields. Note that the fields may be any one or a combination of coercive, enticing, physical, emotional, rational or religious. It ultimately boils down to a branch of study called applied mass psychology.

The physics of applied mass psychology uses levers. Levers can reduce the effort required to move an object. And, you will be resting your level of mass psychology on the fulcrum of repulsion.

All you need to do is to carry your phone with you. Pretend to be talking on the phone. Discuss a few symptoms that you have been experiencing for the past few days. Include stuff like difficulty in breathing, sneezing, wheezing, coughing, whatever catches your fancy. Add some MRI, X-ray and CT scans. You will begin to notice people giving you glances of sympathy. When you have attracted sufficient attention, declare in a confident tone that it is non-contagious. Pause for around 10 seconds. Then say softly “Oh is it? I did not know that”. Then slowly start glancing around at the people gathered near you. You can mirror their sympathetic expression for added effect.

The above strategy may not work in extra crowded trains where reaching your own pocket may be difficult. After a reader wrote back about how in an attempt to reach his phone, he put his hands into a fellow passenger’s pocket, a revised edition of this book was released which includes an additional strategy that can be used in crowded trains.

Pretend to be chewing tobacco. Don’t worry if you are tobacco intolerant. Just puff your cheeks slightly and pretend to be chewing. Red marks might be added around the lips for stubborn crowds. When you being to feel claustrophobic and want some reprieve, stop chewing and slowly start looking around you, eyes slightly angled downwards towards the floor. Works best in the presence of women and well-dressed office going crowd.

Inspite of all measures, stubborn crowds can be hard to handle. But, don’t be confrontational. Claustrophobia gets worse as the distance between their fist and your face reduces. Avoid physical contact. Use dialogue and reason. Try skipping brushing your teeth for one day if your words are not enough.

In case of extreme emergencies, where none of the above works, remember that there is always one seat that you will never be added to share: the toilet seat. Make your way there when things get out of hand.

Wish you happy commuting!
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Post Script

The above piece was written as part of a session in Write Club hosted by Kalansh. The exercise required the piece to be written in second person. The prompt was a visual prompt in the form of the photograph given below. (Photo credits: Trisha Salvi)

Road Rage

Image Source: http://toonclips.com/design/5386

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I hate traffic like everyone else. But it is not because I own a fancy car. I hate traffic because when it lines up in front of a traffic signal, it gets in the way of my work. It is my job to sweep the streets.

The morning started like any other normal day with the songs of the birds being drowned by the blaring of the horns. The sleek sports bike caught my attention. Not the bike but the rider, especially when I heard some angry yet ingenious vocabulary from the rider. It seemed to be directed at no one in particular. But it did manage to grab my attention. That is the thing about colourful vocabulary. It intrinsically has higher decibel values than normal conversation. Colourful words always grab attention in the black and white noises of everyday life.

The traffic moved in spurts. Starting and stopping every half a minute. The stream of expletives from the rider also seemed to synchronise with the green and red switching of the traffic signal. I was a nobody, but even I was getting uncomfortable. You can imagine the state of the family that was seated in the car next the bike. They even had a grandmother in there to add to the family’s discomfort.

 I mean, we all hate the traffic but why was he using his vocal chords instead of just honking like the others? It was only when the words reached their Virat limits that I saw the door of the car in front of the bike swing open. A 6’6” tall and broad frame stepped out and took long strides towards the vocal rider behind him. No, not another road brawl!

The broad frame spoke angrily but I don’t think he used any swear words. If he had used, I would have heard them instead of just angry growls. The rider seemed to be surprised by the sudden reaction from a fellow commuter. Well, what did he expect that he could speak his mind and not get beaten up? Like I said, he should have kept his mouth shut and just honked like the rest of them.

The rider got off the bike. He stood almost a foot lower than the assaulter. Self-preservation always trumps anger. I think that is what was happening here. The bike rider raised his hands in a pacifying gesture towards the incoming tall frame. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Apologies always sound at several decibels below normal conversation. All I could hear next was the crunch of knuckles on cheekbone. The small man seemed to be lifted off his feet for the fraction of the second that it took for him to swerve and hit the pavement with a dull thud.

I noticed three tiny objects fly and they landed near my broom as I watched with my mouth wide open. One of the objects was a premolar, one incisor and one miniature wireless hands-free headphone. I could still hear faint conversation on the other side when I picked up the wireless headphone.

I did not know which of the three objects was more precious to the owner. I was not sure which of the three could be reused by the owner. So I picked up all three and proceeded to hand it over to the small man who was now trying to get back on his feet.
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Post Script

The above piece was written during a session at Write Club on Action Writing
 

The Siege

Image Source: https://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/s/siege_warfare.asp

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“I can’t take another step.”

“I know.  I’m tired too.”

“You don’t understand. I really can’t take another step.”

“What do you mean can’t? You have to. You can’t give up now that we are so close to the end.”

“Take a close look at where you are asking me to step.”

“I see a lot of empty space. Just take a step.”

“It is not about the space. It is about the rules. I can’t take another step.”

“You mean I win?”

“No, it’s a draw.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Look, listen, the king has no safe square to move to. And he is not under attack. It is called a stalemate. It is a draw.”

“Ok, if you can’t move, then pass your turn. I will move and make the next step and turn the deadlock into a deadmate.”

“Look, there is no deadlock, there is no deadmate. It is called a stalemate and it is a draw.”

“Explain to me why it is a draw.”

“Look, the king has nowhere to go and he is in no danger. So he stays where he is.”

“Then let me move.”

“It is my move and the king doesn’t want to move.”

“Then let him move one of his other soldiers”.

“Are you blind? You killed all my soldiers.”

“A king with no army and he has the gall to demand a peace treaty?”

“I am not asking for a peace treaty. It is a technical draw.”

“But you said chess is just like life. Explain this draw to me.”

“Ok, the king is safe in his castle and he doesn’t want to come out. You can’t break into the castle. So it is a draw.”

I thought I had finally convinced him when he got up and walked towards the fridge. My relief was short lived as he came back half a minute later and sat down with a bag of chips and a bottle of coke.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I am laying siege to your king’s castle. I am going to stay here till he runs out of resources and has to make a move.”

“Look, I said chess is like life, I didn’t say it is like game of thrones. You can’t lay a siege.”

“Then make a move.”

“The rules don’t allow it.”

“Why not? I see lot of space.”

“How hard is it to understand that everything in chess is not like life?”

“I don’t care, make a move.”

I saw him grab another handful of chips and stuff it into his mouth. I have seen battlefields covered with blood and sweat and broken weapons. He was going to cover this one with chips and ketchup and spit.

“Just hold your king and move it damn it.”

I grabbed the king.

“Yes now that you touched a piece, you have to movie it. That is also a rule. I know it, you told me.”

I grabbed the king and really moved it. Further than he had ever moved in his entire military career.

He grabbed his forehead and said “What the hell are you doing? I am bleeding” and wiped the cut on his temple with the tissue.

“Sorry, I was aiming for your mouth to break the siege.”

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Post Script

The above short story was written as part of a session at Write Club on  19th September, 2015. The session was hosted by Nikita and the theme of the session was "Dialogue Writing".